Chopra The Book of Secrets Unlocking the H

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getting out of my car and being struck by a hit-and-run driver, the way she was. I kept thinking that I
should do more than send flowers and a card. As it happened, I went on vacation the week of the
funeral, and I actually found myself unable to enjoy myself just thinking about the shock and pain of dying
that way.
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In the midst of these reactions, my friend had a sudden realization. I was going along getting gloomier
when it hit me: That isn t my life. She isn t me. The thought felt very strange. I mean, isn t it good to be
compassionate? Shouldn t I share in the grief all my friends were feeling? At that moment he stopped
comparing himself to someone else not an easy thing to do because we all gain identity from parents,
friends, and spouses. An entire community has taken up fragmentary residence inside us, composed of
bits and pieces of other personalities.
Our style of suffering is learned from others. To the extent that you feel stoic or weak, in control or
victimized, desperate or hopeful, you are adhering to reactions set down by someone else. Deviating
from their pattern feels strange, even threatening. In my friend s case, he broke out of a pattern of grief
only when he realized that it was second-hand. Before that, he wanted to feel what was proper and
expected. He wanted to fit in with the way others saw the situation. As long as you compare yourself to
others, your suffering will persist as a way of fitting in.
Cementing suffering through relationships:Pain is a universal experience; therefore, it enters into
every relationship. Nobody truly suffers alone, and even if you do everything you can to suffer in silence,
you are having an effect on those around you. The reason that people find it so difficult to enter a healing
relationship is that life in our family of origin often required a good deal of unawareness. We overlook
what we don t want to see; we keep silent about things that are too difficult to discuss; we respect
boundaries even when they put someone into a box. In short, the family is where we learn to deny pain.
And denied pain is just another term for suffering.
Given a choice, most people would rather preserve their relationships than stop suffering. One sees this
in abusive families where the victims don t speak up or walk out. (Some states have passed laws forcing
the police to arrest domestic abusers over the protest of the spouses they beat up and torment. Without
such laws, the victim sides with the abuser more than half the time.) A healing relationship is based on
awareness; in it both partners work to break old habits that promote suffering. They have to walk a fine
line, just as my friend did, because compassion means that you appreciate the suffering someone else is
experiencing, as well as your own. Yet at the same time there has to be detachment, making sure that
suffering, no matter how real, isn t thedominant reality. The attitudes that make for a healing relationship
become part of a vision you hold for yourself and the other person.
A VISION WITHOUT SUFFERING
How to Relate When Someone Else Is in Pain
I have sympathy for you. I know what you re going through.
You don t have to feel a certain way just to make me happy.
I will help you get through this.
You don t have to be afraid that you are driving me away.
I don t expect you to be perfect. You aren t letting me down.
This pain you are going through isn t the real you.
You can have the space you need, but I won t let you be alone.
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I will be as real with you as I can be.
I won t be afraid of you, even though you may be afraid of your pain.
I will do all I can to show you that life is still good and joy still possible.
I can t take your pain on as my responsibility.
I won t let you hold on to your pain we are here to get through this.
I will take your healing as seriously as my own well-being.
As you can see, there are subtle pitfalls in these attitudes. When relating to someone in pain, you have to
extend yourself and yet remain within boundaries at the same time. I feel your pain, and yet it s not
mine is a tricky stance; it can tip either way. You can become so involved in the pain that you turn into
an enabler. Or you can hide behind your own boundaries and shut out the person who is suffering. A [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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