Beverly Engel Breaking The Cycle of Abuse (pdf)

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ings and deny the truth. Parents constantly tell their children that they
were wrong about what they saw and what they heard. This causes the
children to doubt their own perceptions. Parents lie to their children
and themselves so often that everyone ends up believing the lies. This
mass denial, like mass hysteria, is so compelling and so contagious
that it feeds off itself. The more one member in the family denies the
truth about what is really happening in the family, the more it encour-
ages other members of the family to do the same. At first it just feels
better not to have to face the pain of the truth, but eventually each
grows to doubt his own perceptions. Everyone begins thinking that if
other members of the family act as if nothing happened, then maybe
nothing did. Maybe they were imagining it all along.
Keeping secrets is another destructive aspect of a dysfunctional
family. Secrets create an atmosphere of shame. In fact, secrets are so
destructive that in Alcoholics Anonymous there is a saying, You are
only as sick as your secrets. Secrets also divide family members
since secret keeping is based on collusion and exclusion, making cer-
tain family members feel special and connected whereas others feel
less important and left out. Keeping secrets is what allows child abuse
and domestic violence to continue.
Do your part in breaking the cycle in your family by refusing to
continue keeping the secrets any longer. Stop denying and minimizing
the truth. Stop pretending that things are better than they are.
Acknowledge that your family is dysfunctional and that there are seri-
ous problems in your family. Encourage other family members to
come out of denial as well and to tell the truth about the family. Be a
support to other family members as they come forward with their own
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Breaking into the Dysfunctional Family System 247
stories of abuse and neglect. Don t contribute to the denial by mini-
mizing their pain or by making excuses for their abusers. Give them
your undivided attention, even when what they tell you hurts you as
well. Let them know that it is worth it to tell the truth and face their
pain and that there is someone there to support them.
Set Clear Boundaries
In a healthy, functional family, there are discernable (recognizable as
distinct) boundaries between the individuals in the family, whereas in
dysfunctional families, the boundaries between family members are
unclear. A dysfunctional family can be likened to a large, sticky mass.
Everyone in the family is emotionally stuck to everyone else. There is
no psychological or emotional separation between one individual and
another. Individual identities are lost. This situation of enmeshment is
often experienced as closeness when in reality, it is a jail sentence
locking individuals into a life of false masks, pretense, and an inabil-
ity to experience fulfillment in personal relationships.
Respect for privacy is essential for personal development. With-
out it, children find it difficult to differentiate between themselves and
the rest of the family. But privacy is seldom afforded children in a
dysfunctional home. Parents enter the bathrooms and bedrooms with-
out knocking, read mail addressed to their children, and listen to their
children s private conversations. In dysfunctional families, parents
take showers with their children, older brothers are allowed to sleep
with younger sisters, and parents walk around nude in front of their
children.
In dysfunctional families, children are not taught that they have
any rights. In fact, their experience teaches them that adults have the
right to have easy access to them. Whenever parents want, they can
reach out and hit them, grab them, or sexually abuse them. They are
told to hug and kiss visitors whether they want to or not and made to
feel bad if they try to refuse. Their belongings are given away, sold, or
thrown away without their knowledge or permission.
For all of these reasons it is important for you and other family
members to develop clear boundaries between each other. This
includes respecting each other s right to personal space and privacy.
Knock before entering the bathroom or a family member s bedroom
and lock the bathroom door when you enter. Only read mail that is
addressed to you personally and do not read other family members
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248 Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
diaries or journals. Teach your children to do the same. Teach your
children to say no to anyone who tries to touch them when they do not
want to be touched. This includes saying no to relatives who want to
kiss them or hold them on their lap. Teach your children that they
have rights, too.
Practice Consistency and Predictability
Dysfunctional families, rather than serving as a source of stability and
safety, become sources of turbulence, chaos, and danger. Rules are
often unclear and are often broken. Parental behavior fluctuates daily,
even hourly. Children often have to guess at what their parents will do
next, and they find it impossible to predict with any certainty whether
their parents will be there for them at all, either physically or emotion-
ally. Parents forget to pick their children up at the movies, don t come
home when they are expected, and are not available to comfort their
child in need.
In order to counter this pattern of chaos and instability, it is impor-
tant that you provide consistency and predictability for your own chil-
dren. Encourage your family to sit down together and decide on some
basic family rules. These rules should represent the needs of each
individual in the family as well as the family as a group. For example, [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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